the dawn is fire bright (against the city lights)
by foamskyandsea
Summary: The first time Harvey flies, he's twenty-four and going nowhere fast.
1. Chapter 1

Title: the dawn is fire bright [against the city lights] (1/?)

Author: emmajane14

Rating: R for language, drug use and whatever else may come

Fandom/Pairing: Suits, Harvey/Mike (eventual)

Warnings: explicit drug use, run on sentences and potential inaccurate representations of aforementioned drug use

Summary: The first time Harvey flies, he's twenty-four and going nowhere fast.

* * *

The first time Harvey flies, he's twenty-four and going nowhere fast. College was easy but not lucrative and Harvey has about had it with the world. He has a shithole of an apartment in some ugly part of Manhattan, three part time jobs and not much else.

Harvey tries it on a whim at first. There's a party and a friend and Harvey can't find any reason to say no. So he doesn't. He snorts a line off a random kitchen counter with some girl screaming at him to hurry up because it's her turn. And then he flies. He fucking flies. There are lights and people and music but he just flies.

Harvey isn't stupid though, so forty-five minutes later when he comes back down, he realizes what a bad idea that had been. He promptly tries to forget the entire night. A week later, he's introduced to his friend's dealer.

* * *

A year later, Harvey serves Jessica Pearson breakfast in a greasy diner.

"If you got your life together, you could actually go somewhere," her eyes are sharp and Harvey stares blankly for a beat before he realizes he's the one being addressed.

"Excuse me?"

She smirks up at him and Harvey thinks that he's never been more afraid of a woman before.

When she leaves, there's a business card where his tip should be. She's written "_no coke_" on the back in pencil and he shoves it deep into his pocket.

Harvey calls two months later.

"How do you feel about law school?"

"Do I seem like someone who can afford law school?"

"Remember the condition I mentioned the first time we met? It's nonnegotiable."

"Understood. But that doesn't mean I can afford law school…" Harvey isn't even sure that they're reading from the same book much less on the same page.

"Law school can be taken care of if the condition is met."

Harvey has absolutely no plans to stop flying. So he doesn't. What he does do however, is make some rules.

* * *

At first he starts with just two rules.

1.) Be safe.

2.) Be smart.

Two rules get him through law school but it's a pretty close call a few times. There's nights that turn into mornings and books that must be memorized and Harvard is nothing like the joke undergrad had been. He finds himself flying higher and harder than before. He gets sloppy. He doesn't even realize he's getting sloppy until one memorable phone call from Jessica.

"Remember the day we met?"

"Yes…?"

"Remember the nonnegotiable condition that came along with your education?"

But Harvey's learning to play the game so when he responds, he's nothing like the young man Jessica first met, "Really Jessica?" it's supposed to sound confident but it comes out sounding ridiculous. He can only imagine what she must think but there's no way he's ready to have this conversation for real.

"Just remember what I wrote. I wouldn't want us to have any problems." Jessica is one of the few people Harvey has ever met that can manage to seamlessly weave threats into everyday language without changing even her pitch.

* * *

After law school comes Pearson Hardman. Along with Pearson Hardman comes a new set of rules. More strict and far more detailed rules. Along with the rules also comes the needles. It's easier and cleaner and Harvey's smart about what he does. He doesn't leave visible marks. He doesn't fly at work. He doesn't get out of control.

Harvey knows what he's doing even if he sometimes makes it up as he goes along. Pearson Hardman is a little bit of a slap in the face but it's a good one. He thought he'd been living in the real world when he had a tiny apartment and what felt like twelve million jobs, but this. This is a completely new real world. One with expensive suits, six hundred page legal briefs, and one where a cocaine habit was decidedly out of place.

That's where the rules come in. Sometimes the rules come too late, but some days it feels like the rules are all he has. The job and the rules.

Harvey works his ass off and when he makes junior partner, he inherits an office and a sharp redheaded secretary. He makes partner and he rewards himself.

He leaves the office early, sits on his couch with a needle, and three minutes later he's flying. When he looks for another needle an hour later, it seems like a fantastic idea. Why fly for a little when you can just keep up the flying? If you can fly, why would you ever do anything else? It makes perfect sense at the time.

When he wakes up the next morning, it's to a blaring ringtone coming from his pocket and a pile of needles on the coffee table. He's three hours late for work, his living room is a disaster and he isn't even sure if he's down from flying yet. He almost doesn't remember flying. It's too much.

All the needles go in the garbage, all of his stash goes down the toilet and he promptly sends a text before showering and almost running to work.

_It's been a pleasure doing business with you but I find myself no longer in need of your services—HS_

Harvey doesn't sleep the following night and when he goes into the office the next day, he leaves a trail of his rage behind him. He fires his secretary twice who laughs at him both times, makes three associates cry and by five o'clock, Harvey Specter has a new dealer.

It's decidedly not one of his better days. So he makes one of his strictest rules yet.

_Never fly with less than six hours until work._

It's strict and bordering on insane, but it's what he needs. Harvey flies and he works and he makes rules. He organizes himself and his life until everything is in its place. Be the best at work, fly at home, make rules in between. Don't let the opposing corners of your life meet.

It works for his first six months as a partner.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: the dawn is fire bright [against the city lights] (2/?)

Author: emmajane14

Rating: R for language, drug use and whatever else may come

Fandom/Pairing: Suits, Harvey/Mike (eventual)

Warnings: explicit drug use, run on sentences and potential inaccurate representations of aforementioned drug use

Summary: Six months into his career as a junior partner at Pearson Hardman, Harvey starts getting sloppy.

* * *

Six months into his career as a junior partner at Pearson Hardman, Harvey starts getting sloppy.

He's supposed to be negotiating a massive merger between two corporations but instead he's sitting on the couch in his office, trying to remember how to function. He isn't flying. Quite the opposite actually.

Six months into Harvey's time as a junior partner, he decides to stop flying. He has a job—a job as a junior partner no less- in a top law firm, an obscenely beautiful apartment, a secretary who knows absolutely everything, a revolving door of men and women that don't ask questions, and a cocaine habit.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out which thing is not like the others.

If there's one thing Harvey has always needed, it's to be in control. Especially of himself. So when he starts what he likes to call "The Merger from Hell" he stops flying. It's just temporary. Just until the merger is finished. He needs to be on top of his game for Jessica. Let it never be said that he let her down. At least not that she knew about.

So he stops flying.

There's a conference room of CEOs and executives and Harvey's sitting on the couch of his office trying to remember why he thought stopping was a good idea. He knows he needs to be in that conference room getting everything under control but he can't. Harvey needs to get himself under control first.

"Harvey! What's going on?" Donna manages to somehow look composed and frantic at the same time. A skill that only Donna could manage.

"Nothing, nothing. I…I just need a moment." He knows how obviously he's avoiding answering her but Harvey's not about to explain to Donna that he isn't negotiating a merger right now because he's too busy plotting the closest place to get coke. That would not go over well.

"Harvey," Donna's tone is sharp and commanding and despite being her superior, sometimes Harvey is absolutely terrified of her.

"Yes?" it's supposed to sound confident and cool but he just sounds exhausted and exasperated.

"What's going on?" her voice is quieter and kinder now like she's trying to coax his secrets out of him.

"Nothing Donna. I'm okay, really. Just a lot going on right now…"

It's the closest to vulnerable Harvey has ever been in the office and he hates every minute of it.

But then Jessica is knocking on the door to Harvey's office, her rings clanking against the glass and it's over.

He isn't sure whether he should be relieved or whether he prefers Donna's concern to the whirlwind Jessica's anger will bring if she finds out. Neither option is looking very good.

Harvey straightens his cuffs and looks up at Jessica from his seat one the couch. It's funny almost. For all his bravado and sharp intelligence, Jessica has and always will be three steps ahead of him.

"Jessica, how can I help you?"

"You can start by telling me why you aren't in the conference room negotiating the biggest deal of your career to date?"

"I'm on my way back. Just needed to grab a file," Harvey grabs the closest piece of paper from the side table and pray she can't read it from across the room.

Harvey stand, holding the paper in one hand and stuffing the other into his pocket quickly, hoping his hands have stopped shaking by now.

"Harvey," Jessica's voice is softer now. More human and less demanding.

He meets her eyes. It's the least he can do.

"If you ever need to talk…" she lets it trail off. They both know where she's headed.

Harvey nods sharply and walks to the door of his office where she's already leaving. He passes her in the hallway, headed to the conference room hoping the sooner he gets there, the sooner he can leave.

Jessica speaks as he passes her and if he hadn't been listening for it, he probably wouldn't have even heard it.

"Don't let me down."

It doesn't take a genius to know that she isn't talking about the merger.

Finishing what needs to be immediately done takes longer than Harvey expected. Longer than Harvey had ever thought was possible.

When he finally gets home he doesn't bother looking at the clock. It doesn't really matter what time it is, Jessica already suggested he take the morning off. Well, it was more of an order than a suggestion really.

Harvey finally gets home and he feels like screaming. He needs to fly, needs it on visceral and psychological levels and he hates it. He hates that he needs it and he hates that he hates it.

He needs to fly and he needs to sleep but mostly, mostly he just needs to scream.

Half an hour later, there's three glass vases shattered on the floor, papers all over the kitchen and living room covering every surface, and a needle sliding into his arm.

_Oh thank god._


	3. Chapter 3

Title: the dawn is fire bright [against the city lights] (3/?)

Author: emmajane14

Rating: R for language, drug use and whatever else may come

Fandom/Pairing: Suits, Harvey/Mike (eventual)

Warnings: explicit drug use, run on sentences and potential inaccurate representations of aforementioned drug use

Summary: Harvey's been at Pearson-Hardman for five years when he's told that he needs an associate.

A/N: Immense thanks to both my betas who have both been invaluable

* * *

Harvey's been at Pearson-Hardman for five years when he's told that he needs an associate. He almost laughs in Jessica's face.

"An associate?" It's supposed to sound as if he's superior to nonsensical things like associates but instead he sounds more like a child complaining.

"Yes Harvey, you have learned by now what an associate is, haven't you?"

"Ha ha, very funny." The look on Harvey's face shows exactly just how funny he _doesn't_ find it, "I do in fact know what an associate is. What I can't seem to understand however, is what use I could possibly have for one."

Associates are like puppies: fun to play with but generally more trouble than they're worth.

"To give you an opportunity to guide a new—"

Harvey interrupts Jessica with a sharp "Seriously?" and an eyebrow arched towards the ceiling.

"Harvey. An associate means less work, less stress," Harvey feels Jessica's sharp eyes roaming over his face, searching for signs, "I'm not asking if you want one; I'm telling you to find one or I'll find you one."

"Since when do junior partners get their own associates?"

"Since when have you ever followed the norm?"

Harvey just raises an eyebrow, they both know that he's never followed the norm in his life.

"Well then, it makes perfect sense for you to have an associate since you've broken all the other standards."

"Well, obviously…"

And then Harvey's left alone in Jessica's office, wondering how he just got conned into an associate.

* * *

Donna holds all the interviews for Harvey. Two weeks later, there's a man a few years younger than Harvey standing in the doorway to his office with a disastrous mop of dark hair. He looks like he's playing dress up in one of his father's suits.

Harvey laughs as soon as the man leaves his office. Donna cannot possibly be serious.

The young man introduces himself as Jonathan Marsh. And soon after meeting him, Harvey sends him out with a pile of papers and directions to find his cubicle and get to work. Then Harvey starts plotting on how to fire him.

Harvey knows exactly why Jessica has assigned him an associate even though he's only a junior partner. Harvey has always respected Jessica in the way that people are simultaneously fascinated and alarmed by sharks. He's never been scared of Jessica in the five years that he's known her, but he's always been very aware of the power she holds over him.

His new associate is much more than just an associate, and while a small part of Harvey appreciates Jessica's concern, most of him resents her inadvertent implications.

Jessica has forced an associate fresh out of school onto Harvey so that she has someone to keep an eye on him. Someone to alleviate his stress so he's less likely to fall back into bad habits. He wonders what it says about him that he never stopped. He wonders what it says about Jessica that she hasn't even seemed to consider that as a possibility.

Instead of worrying about that, Harvey throws piles of papers at his associate and leaves the office early with strict instructions to Donna that Jonathan isn't to leave until he's finished.

Harvey goes home, sprawls on his couch, scatters several used needles already littering the coffee table, and tries to figure out how he's going to fix this whole associate issue.

* * *

Three weeks later, Harvey's flying in the office at 2 A.M. because even the great Harvey Specter breaks the rules every now and then. He's prepping for a trial that was moved at the last minute to first thing in the morning and Jonathan has spent the last few hours doing research and running between his cubicle, the file room, and Harvey's office.

Due to the complicated nature of the case and the associate's general uselessness, Jonathan has unsurprisingly managed to find absolutely nothing of value and Harvey's about ten seconds from throwing a chair at the younger man.

"I can't—Harvey—I don't think…There's nothing to be found Harvey. It can't be done. You can't win this."

And that's where he is undoubtedly and unequivocally wrong. Harvey can and absolutely _will_ win this.

When Harvey opens his mouth to tell Jonathan just that, he's cut off by more nonsense from the younger man's mouth.

If there is one thing in the world that's a recipe for disaster, it's having two arrogant men in the same room.

Harvey's flying a little higher than usual, so when he snaps at Jonathan and the younger man subsequently puts in his two weeks' notice the next day, it doesn't surprise Harvey at all.

When he finally finishes berating Jonathan, Harvey flies through the night and the trial and is then forced to fly through the rest of the day to avoid crashing in the middle of the office.

He's already going to hear it from Jessica for running his associate out of town, the last thing he needs is her watching him shake and sweat on the walk from the elevators to the safety of his office.

If he's gotten to the point where he needs to walk the ten blocks to the nearest public restroom, lock himself in a stall in the men's rooms, and revel in the cool prick of metal on his arm, desperately trying not to let his suit pants drag in the disgusting muck congealed on the floor…

Well, if he's gotten to that point, he makes sure not to look at himself in the mirror on his way out. He doesn't need a reminder of how fucked up he's become.

* * *

A week later, he finds Jessica waiting for him in his office. She's made herself quite at home on his couch and Harvey pauses in the doorway for a split second, preparing for the shit-storm he knows is headed his way.

"Harvey," She doesn't smile and that doesn't say nearly as much about her mood as her tone of voice does.

He nods at her, "Jessica, how can I be of service?"

She raises an eyebrow and they both know every other word out of his mouth is bullshit.

"If you're ever going to make senior partner Harvey, you'll have to get your shit together."

Was that a hint at a promotion or a threat? Harvey isn't sure that there is a difference anymore.

"Promoting me already?" Harvey's got a smirk plastered on his face the way a child would carelessly slap wallpaper on a wall. Everything about this conversation is subtext.

"Don't get ahead of yourself. And besides, senior partners need associates and I think we've both seen how poorly that works for you. Get your life together Harvey, then we'll talk."

If Harvey didn't know Jessica better, he'd be panicking. He's not sure what she knows or how much she knows, but she certainly knows something and that's enough to force him back into a sense of order.

* * *

Harvey spends the next three years getting his shit together. New rules, new Harvey.

The 'Don't fly in public' rule has been replaced with 'Don't fly anywhere there's a chance of discovery' which allows for more rigidity or leniency given the situation.

He has stricter, more anal rules now but is somehow actually more of a smug asshole than ever before.

When Donna tells him this one morning while handing him breakfast after he's made another paralegal cry—the third this week, it's a new record—he actually laughs. It's loud and a little odd sounding. If there's one person Harvey could ever like as much as he likes himself it would be Donna.

She gives him a funny look when he laughs but doesn't comment.

"Seriously though Harvey, I know that whole asshole thing works great with the women and in court, but it's not going to go over so well with your new associate."

"My new associate?"

"Well you don't actually have one yet but we'll have to hold interviews and scrounge through the suits to find someone worthy of the great Harvey Specter…"

"Very funny Donna. Now why would I possibly need an associate?"

Donna leans in lowering her voice to whisper conspiratorially and it's unbelievably ridiculous coming from Donna.

"Well, rumor has it, Jessica has been throwing around words like 'senior partner' and 'Harvey Specter'"

"Oh really?"


	4. Chapter 4

Title: the dawn is fire bright [against the city lights] (4/?)

Author: emmajane14/foamskyandsea/emms14

Rating: R for language, drug use and whatever else may come

Warnings: explicit drug use, run on sentences and potential inaccurate representations of aforementioned drug use

Fandom/Pairing: Suits, Harvey/Mike eventually

Summary: Hiring Michael Ross is arguably one of the worst mistakes Harvey will ever make.

_When I read something, I understand it and when I understand something, I never forget it._

Hiring Michael Ross is arguably one of the worst mistakes Harvey will ever make. Possibly as bad as the decision to start flying… Well, he tries not to compare the two, there's decidedly too much symmetry there.

Harvey knows that it's a terrible idea even as he's sitting across the desk from Mike who's spouting information and playing solitaire. He knows it's a bad idea before he's even decided. But between the wink Donna gave him behind Mike's back and Mike's brain and briefcase full of pot, a tiny part of Harvey already knows that he's going to hire Mike.

He wasn't lying when he told Donna that he was looking for another him. After Jonathan, it's not enough to just hire another Harvard graduate. Shiny diplomas and tastefully bland suits don't even come close to what Harvey needs. He doesn't just need someone who'll think outside of the box, he needs someone who'll think outside the laws of physics.

It's almost scary how much of himself Harvey sees in Mike. The sharp brilliance, the pride, the drive for _more_. It's all there. Everything down to the way he's veering off in a terrible direction. All that potential and intelligence are about to just be spilled away. Wasted.

Harvey sees so much of himself in Mike that he has this moment of quiet _déjà vu_. A snarky, brilliant kid that's five minutes away from losing everything.

But there are differences between them and Harvey clings to them desperately, trying not to lose himself in the similarities. Mike is so naïve and gentle and it's nothing Harvey ever was. But then Mike turns the tables on him and maybe Harvey's wrong.

"Why?" It's almost comical the way Mike says it. It's a challenge.

"Someone gave me a chance once when I needed it the most. Now I'm going to do that for you. Don't let me regret it."

It's the most honest he's ever been with another person.

Mike's first day in the firm, Harvey drags him into his office and proceeds to make sure that Harvey's terms are perfectly clear.

"No pot."

"Umm, could you specify that a little?" Mike looks sheepish and Harvey wants to laugh.

"No pot. In _any _context. Understood?"

"Got it. No pot, regardless of the context. But what if—"

"What part of 'no pot' do you not understand? I'd think that even a wannabe lawyer could comprehend that." Harvey's never actually been on this side of this particular conversation and it's amusing in a sick kind of way. The cocaine user telling his employee not to use marijuana.

"Alright, alright. I got it."

"Good, now get out. Some of us have actual work to do. And go buy yourself a real suit please; my eyes are burning just looking at that one."

Mike half smiles back at him before he's zipping out of the office and Harvey can't remember why this was a good idea. He's hired an overgrown child with an affection for pot and absolutely no taste in menswear.

Harvey just hopes Mike's brain is as good as it was in the interview.

Harvey is hard on Mike in the coming weeks. Almost as hard as he is on himself.

He needs this to work out. Needs it desperately and frantically. Harvey doesn't know why but this feels like his last chance. His last chance at an associate and his last chance to pretend to make up for all the ways he's fucked up in his life. Harvey knows what it's like to lose yourself. To just be blinded by all the flying colors and sounds.

That's the problem with Mike. He's so similar to Harvey. So similar it hurts. Harvey needs Mike to be different. Needs him to be _more._

So he pushes Mike. Pushes as hard as he dares and prays—fucking prays—that the kid will step up to the plate.

He knows it's getting absurd when even Donna stops to warn him.

"I know what you were looking for Harvey, but if you keep pushing at that kid you aren't going to have anything at all."

If Harvey didn't know better, he'd think that she knew everything.

"Harvey."

"Harvey…?"

"Harvey!"

Things are a little fuzzy, but after a few mental shakes and attempts at sobering thoughts, Harvey finds Mike standing in front of his desk waving a folder around frantically.

"Unless you're trying out for cheerleading tomorrow, can you please stop waving that contract around?"

If there's one thing Harvey likes to pride himself on, it's his ability to function appropriately no matter how high he happens to be flying. At the moment, he isn't excessively high but he's certainly high enough to be feeling it. And to be losing focus.

"Ha ha, very funny. But seriously…" And then Mike's off like a racecar, listing all the issues he's found in the contract and adding ideas he thinks it's lacking. Mike brushes off Harvey's behavior and that worries Harvey more than anything.

Mike may have chosen to ignore Harvey's current inability to focus, but that's the problem. With a brain like Mike's, there's no question of whether or not he noticed. The only question in Harvey's mind is what Mike thinks is wrong with him. The biggest advantage Harvey has is sheer unpredictability.

Who would expect a senior partner at Pearson Hardman to be—to be flying?

Six months in and they've got serious problems.

"How did you just get in here? I told Donna not to let anyone in."

"I have my ways…"Mike tries for secretive and mischievous but Harvey isn't amused. Much.

"Your ways?" He raises an eyebrow in question.

"My super secret ninja ways, obviously," says Mike waving his arms around wildly, the papers in his hands fluttering with his motions.

"Your super secret ninja ways. Oh god, find me Donna immediately, I seem to have accidently hired an overgrown ten year old."

"Ha ha. Aren't you just _so_ funny."

Harvey smirks, "Obviously."

"Anway, I have the files you needed."

"Alright good, go dig up some background on the Linden merger. I don't wanna walk in there blind."

"Sure thing, boss."

"One last thing, how _did_ you get past Donna?"

Mike doesn't answer but does manage to look like a kid caught cheating.

"You snuck in when she got up to use the restroom, didn't you?"

"Well…"

"Just get back to work," but Harvey's desperately trying not to chuckle so the order comes out a suggestion.

Three and a half hours later and Mike's managed to find all the secrets advantages Peetes had tried to hide in their version on the merger with Linden. Even the one that's literally hidden in the fine print on page 247.

When Mike comes flouncing back into Harvey's office bouncing like an overexcited child about to answer a question correctly, Harvey realizes just how dangerous this is. Mike really does notice everything.

It's really only a matter of time.

A/N: I apologize deeply to anyone still following this fic. I seem to have had a whole bunch of crazy in my life that not only used up a great deal of my time and energy, but also left me with a major case of writer's block. Lucky, I seem to be back in the swing of things now.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: the dawn is fire bright [against the city lights] (5/?)

Author: emmajane14/foamskyandsea/emms14

Rating: R for language, drug use and whatever else may come

Warnings: explicit drug use, run on sentences and potential inaccurate representations of aforementioned drug use

Fandom/Pairing: Suits, Harvey/Mike eventually

Summary: When Mike comes in high, Harvey loses it.

* * *

When Mike comes in high, Harvey loses it. He's exploding with anger all over the place. He feels like a forgotten pot of boiling water—it's foaming and scorching everything within reach.

He sends Mike home, snaps at Donna more times than he usually gets away with in an entire year, and comes dangerously close to snapping at Jessica. It wouldn't have been the first time they'd clashed, but the last thing he needs on top of Mike high in the office is for Jessica to get suspicious about his behavior.

So he leaves. Just up and leaves the office. Puts everything on the back burner and just gets the hell out of there. It's not like he's being very productive anyway.

Harvey calls Ray to take him home and spends the entire drive twitching around anxiously in the backseat. He can't stay still. He wants to scream at the top of his lungs until someone comes and fucking _fixes _this.

It's not fucking fair. Nothing is fucking fair. Is it too much to ask for something to go right for once? Harvey is five minutes away from throwing a full-blown temper tantrum and he's angry for more reasons than he can name.

He's mad at Mike and himself and Jessica and the entire universe.

As soon as he's in his apartment, Harvey heads straight for his safe full of needles. He opens it and then stands there staring into it. He closes it without taking anything out and heads for his closet instead.

Harvey knows he's a hypocrite, it's one of the many things he files on his mental _Things Not to Think About_ list. This is different though. There's being a hypocrite and then there's getting furious with your associate for getting high just to go home and do the exact same thing.

He goes for a run instead. Two miles in he's huffing and puffing, feet pounding the pavement in an erratic drumbeat. He's out of shape. Two miles should _not_ be a problem.

By the time he's back at his apartment, he's anxious and angry again. And unbelievably ready for the cool prick of metal on his arm and the smooth press of the plunger.

There's two freshly used needles in the trash bin before he's even headed to the shower and he's praying it'll help as he strip his sweats onto the bathroom floor and slips into the heat of the waiting water.

It doesn't help at all.

If he thought it was actually possible, Harvey might consider that the cocaine is actually making everything worse. The shower feels impossibly small even though it's triple the size of the average apartment shower and Harvey is still itching to scream.

The shower is too small and everything is wrong and then he's yelling and pounding his fist into the tile wall. Fuck, fuck, _fuck. _There's red stuff on cracked tiles and Harvey stares at it blankly before finding the same stuff on his knuckles. _Oh._

When he finally starts to feel sharp pains coming from his still bleeding knuckles, he gets out of the shower and slides another needle into his arm. He falls asleep semi-upright in a armchair.

Harvey wakes up with a terrible crick in his neck, a disgusting taste in his mouth and shooting pains coming from the knuckles of his right hand. Fantastic. Isn't everything just fucking _fantastic._

By the time Harvey drags himself into the office, it's almost ten o'clock and Mike is standing in his office, staring out one of the windows. Harvey stops at Donna's desk, trying to stall his inevitable conversation with Mike for as long as possible.

Donna raises an eyebrow and the bandage around his right hand but hands him a coffee all the same.

"How long?"

"He came looking for you first thing, left, and came back and hasn't left for the last half hour. What happened?"

"Nothing." Harvey isn't in the mood for one of Donna's interrogations.

She gives him a look of amusement and he knows that they're gonna have one hell of a conversation later where she berates him for everything he's keeping from her. She has no idea.

Harvey takes a sip of his coffee, mentally collects the pieces of his mind and heads for his desk.

Mike is silent as Harvey walks in and doesn't move from his place at the window. Harvey leaves the coffee on his desk and comes to stand next to Mike.

"You're back." Harvey has expected as much, but Mike doesn't need to know that. Harvey's still angry.

"Of course I'm back. I made a mistake, but it's not the end of the world. I'll do better."

"No, you don't get it. I don't wanna hear how you're gonna get better and how everything will be fine. I need you to do it. I need you to get your fucking life together!"

He's boiling over and scaring himself but he can't stop.

"I made one mistake! Since when is that enough to seal my fate? I'm sure that even the famous Harvey Specter has made a mistake once. Don't berate me like I'm a misbehaving child. I messed up and I'm gonna do better. Get over it."

"You don't understand. This is just the beginning. First thing you know, you're coming to work high once or twice and then…"

"And then what?" It comes out scathing and Harvey knows Mike is mad at him. Has every right to be.

Harvey isn't watching Mike throw his life away, he's reliving his own youth. Watching his own mistakes slap him in the face. While he is angry at Mike for coming to work high, an embarrassing amount of the anger is directed at himself. He could have been better than this and now he's watching Mike fall into the same hole.

He rubs a hand across his face and crosses the room to his desk, sinking into his chair.

"Shit. Just go do some work." He waves his hand at the door and rests his head on the cool surface of his desk after he hears Mike leave.

Looks like Mike isn't the only one who needs to get his life together.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: the dawn is fire bright [against the city lights] (6/10)

Author: emmajane14/emms14/foamskyandsea

Rating: R for language and drug use

Warnings: explicit drug use, excessive comma use and potential inaccurate representations of aforementioned drug use

Fandom/Pairing: Suits, Harvey/Mike

Summary: The first time Harvey lets Mike work in his office, the associates are all preparing for some ridiculous merger Louis is presiding over.

A/N: Since I took forever to update even though I said I wouldn't, here's two chapters for the price of one. If anyone's still following this, hopefully you'll appreciate that. J

The first time Harvey lets Mike work in his office, the associates are all preparing for some ridiculous merger Louis is presiding over.

It apparently involves doing background research on every thought that has ever crossed either company's mind. Personally, Harvey thinks the whole thing is absurd and obviously unnecessary but when Mike emails him a picture of his cubicle literally taken over by paperwork, Harvey can't find it in him to say no.

Mike is quiet from his place on the couch where he's hunched over the coffee table. If it weren't for the occasional rustles of paper, Harvey might have forgotten that he was even there. Surprisingly, it doesn't feel intrusive having Mike in his office like this: making himself at home with papers all over the table and empty coffee cups littering the floor.

Harvey leaves the office before Mike and when he comes back in the next morning, the place Mike had been occupying is immaculate.

Harvey hides his smile behind his coffee mug before Donna can see it.

The next time Mike works in his office, he doesn't give a reason and Harvey doesn't ask for one.

It's nice having someone around, making themselves at home in his space. It's strange, but it's nice.

They trade movie quotes over Chinese food and when Mike eats all of his fried rice with chopsticks successfully, Harvey stares a little. That's really not something he should find attractive.

This time, when Harvey comes in the next morning, he finds Mike strewn out all over the couch, papers crunching underneath his head as he shifts slightly. Harvey doesn't suppress a smile this time but he does manage to curb the laughter that was ready to bubble up.

Harvey leaves a large cup of steaming coffee on the table next to Mike's head and when the associate finally wakes up, Harvey gives him the day off.

Even a senior partner can appreciate good work ethic when he sees it.

The third time Mike ends up working in Harvey's office, Harvey invites him to and thankfully, Mike doesn't question his motives.

Harvey makes it two and a half hours before he realizes that he's been watching Mike read files from across the room for god only knows how long.

It's not until he's staring at the blinking cursor in the middle of the email he had started an hour ago that he realizes that he never made it to the seedy bathroom that he usually frequents during lunch. As soon as he thinks about it though, he feels the need swelling up in his chest. The desperate need to be soaring about everything.

He's out of his chair and halfway across the office before he remembers Mike. _Mike._

Fuck.

Harvey stops in the middle of the room and tries desperately to think of an excuse to leave immediately.

"No Harvey, it's cool. I'll just call it in. No need for you to go pick it up. How's Mexican sound?"

Harvey's embarrassingly grateful to Mike for giving him an excuse but from the look Mike gives Harvey when he sits back behind his desk, it's clear that they both know he wasn't about to go pick up dinner.

Harvey just wonders how much longer he can put off the questions he's sure are forming in Mike's mind.

This time it's entirely Harvey's fault. They're both huddled around his coffee table on opposite ends of the couch searching through briefs.

What surfaces are covered in an inch of papers are cluttered with coffee cups and pizza boxes.

Mike's the one who finds the information they need and Harvey watches the younger man's whole face light up as he explains it to Harvey.

Instead of getting up and fixing the disaster that his office has become, they both just fall back into the cushions, knees bumping gently.

"Harvey?"

"Hmm?" Harvey doesn't turn to look at Mike next to him, he's not sure he wants to see Mike's face when he asks the question Harvey knows is coming.

"When are you going to tell me what's going on with you?" Mike's voice is soft and he sounds tired. Not for the first time, Harvey wonders if he pushes Mike too hard.

It's quiet for a long time and it's not until Harvey has stared out at the lights across the city for so long his vision seems blurry. It's not until Mike's head is slumped onto Harvey's shoulder and he can feel the younger man breathing.

It's not until then that he finally answers.

"I don't know."


	7. Chapter 7

Title: the dawn is fire bright [against the city lights] (7/11)

Author: foamskyandsea/emms14/emmajane14

Rating: R for language and drug use

Warnings: explicit drug use, excessive comma use and potential inaccurate representations of aforementioned drug use

Fandom/Pairing: Suits, Harvey/Mike

Summary: He's just a tired man grasping for control of his life only to find that he hasn't had control for years.

Harvey decides to quit on a Monday night a month later.

He'd gotten high around lunchtime but when he gets home, he pointedly ignores his safe in favor of the record player by the couch. The soaring feeling that had come in an overwhelming wave in the dirty bathroom stall is long gone but he knows better than to think that the drugs have completely left his system. The worst is yet to come. He's just living in the few loud moments between one needle and the next.

Harvey is so tired of this. Tired of realizing that he's nothing like the man he thought he was. Nothing like the man he thought he would be. He's just a tired man grasping for control of his life only to find that he hasn't had control for years.

It's one thing to see the world with sharp clarity while flying above it but it's quite another thing to find that you may never land.

How do you come back from this?

The weaker part of his mind screams that you don't. _You don't_.

But he puts one of his father's records on and tries desperately to ignore his safe—full of everything he wants and shouldn't have.

Harvey wakes up slumped on the couch in the middle of the night, hungrier than he ever remembers being. He eats all the food he can find in his sparse refrigerator before kicking his shoes off and returning to the couch.

He doesn't want to go into his room. Doesn't want to lie in his bed. It's all too empty and he feels too tired to make it that far.

When he collapses, his body feels ready to sleep for days but it doesn't happen. He just lies there uncomfortably shifting and staring at the white of his ceiling. It stares back unrelentingly.

Harvey opens his eyes to 10:06 glaring at him in bright red. His body feels like it hasn't slept for days but he knows he must've slept a little because he can't remember closing his eyes.

Looks like he won't be making it into the office today.

He's hungry again but he knows that there's nothing in the kitchen and that makes him twitch with frustration. Why isn't there any fucking food?

Harvey heads to the shower and tries to pretend that he doesn't glance at the safe on his way. He doesn't bother looking at his cell phone. He's sure Donna has called and pretty soon Jessica will be calling too. It doesn't matter.

He undresses and leaves his clothes on the floor, kicking them into a corner. He spends the entire shower deciding to fly again. Just one last time to slowly wean himself off of it. He doesn't want to spend the next few days like this. Irrationally angry, hungry and more tired than he's ever been. People aren't supposed to live like this.

He dries himself off in the bathroom and tries to remember why he decided to quit. He doesn't look in the mirror.

Harvey makes it until 3:37 P.M. before he's back on the couch, slipping a needle along his vein.

It's so fucking good.

Harvey's back in the office on Wednesday and flying high. Donna stops him as he tries to blow past her desk with a sharp word and a hand on his arm.

"Harvey,"

She's always known everything and sometimes it amazes him that she hasn't seen through him in all these years.

"Yes, Donna?"

"What the hell is going on with you?"

He raises an eyebrow and hates doing this to her. Hates that this is who he is.

"Did I miss Louis making a fool of himself again?"

She just looks at him, all sharp eyes and concern and he doesn't have time for this, doesn't have the patience to deal with it. His world is moving a million miles a minute and she wants him to stop and talk. Not happening.

"Next time you forget to show up for work, give me a heads up, huh?"

Neither one of them smiles.

Things are still occasionally tense between him and Mike and the last thing Harvey needs right now is to be bothered.

Harvey hands all his cases off to Mike with some vague suggestions and pointed comments. He hopes Mike gets it.

By the time Mike pulls his head out of his ass enough to come bother Harvey with a question, his high is waning and he's shifting around at his desk—desperate for a needle.

This is what his life has come to.

Mike walks in the open door with a question half out of his mouth before Harvey attacks. Harvey already knows what the question will be.

"You need to get the sister to sign a statement which you would know if you had gone to any fucking law school instead of just dicking around with your head up your ass the whole time."

Mike stares, quiet and still.

_Shit._

And then Harvey's up from his desk and headed across the room.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. _Fuck. _Shit Mike, I'm—"

When he gets about two feet from Mike, the younger man flinches and Harvey recoils immediately.

"What the _hell_ is wrong with you?"

Harvey almost wishes he had the words to explain. Mike's a good guy. He's a good person. Sure, he smokes a little weed and he sometimes he lies and commits crimes but when it comes down to it, he's a better person than Harvey has ever been. And Harvey just sucking away his morals. He's watching Mike lose a little every day.

Harvey's leeching off of Mike and the last thing he wants is to pile more of his shit on Mike.

Mike's more like Harvey every day and that's the last thing Harvey ever wanted. He thought it would be good to have Mike around but it seems like all he's doing is pulling Mike down the dark paths he went down himself.

Harvey shakes his head and opens his mouth. He tries to say something. To say anything. He fails miserably.

Instead, he crosses the room to collapse on the couch and rest his face in his hands.

How many more times is he going to lose control?

Harvey doesn't look up when he feels the couch next to him dip but he knows it must be Mike. Donna's already left for the night.

Harvey feels the warm press of Mike's hand on his back and it's nothing like the way the needles press into his arm.

Mike is so good and right and Harvey is so many kinds of fucked up. Maybe he needs something good. Maybe that's what will save him.

He finally looks up and leans into Mike, eyes aimed for Mike's mouth. He's stopped by the tight squeeze of Mike's fingers on his shoulder.

"Why don't you find me when you're ready to tell me what's going on."

And then it's so quiet and he's alone in his head again. It seems like he's always alone.

Alone—just him and the loud crash of his phone denting the wall.


	8. Chapter 8

Warnings: explicit drug use, excessive comma use and potential inaccurate representations of aforementioned drug use

First, I'd like to apologize for my ridiculous absence with this story. The only real excuse I have is that real life takes over sometimes. For anyone still following this, thank you so much and I promise I'll be done soon.

Now that I've taken care of that, the usual warnings apply to this chapter but even more so. This is not an happy chapter. It's a dark and difficult one so please take that into account before you read it.

* * *

Harvey's world ends on a Tuesday afternoon. It's the middle of winter; there's snow, rain, sleet and fuck knows whatever else falling down from the sky. His collar is soaked from where he turned it up against the wind and his hair is sending ice-cold droplets running down his face and neck onto the repulsive floor of the bathroom.

He leaves his used needle on the floor where it fits right into with a pile of toilet paper that's covered in mud. The crunch the glass makes under his shoe is satisfying and he can already feel his mind clearing. Until he opens the stall door and immediately feels like vomiting at the site of Mike in the doorway.

It's silent for almost a full minute in which Harvey can feel Mike staring at him while he stares off to the left of Mike at the row of sinks. It's the closest he can come to making eye contact.

Mike's the first to speak and when he does, it comes exploding out of him in a way Harvey would never have anticipated.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Harvey meets his eyes then because he's always had a bit of a masochistic streak. He doesn't answer.

"You're fucking—fucking shooting up in bathrooms on your lunch break now Harvey? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Harvey can't stop the fury that bubbles up now that the drugs have kicked in. "Fuck you. You have no idea what you're talking about?"

"I have no idea—I have no idea?! You've got to be kidding me. You're doing cocaine. In a public restroom. On your lunch break. I'd love to see you charm your way out of this one."

Mike looks disgusted and Harvey wants to hit something. Wants to hit him. He has no idea. Not a clue about any of it.

Mike turns to leave shaking his head and looking repulsed and Harvey can't stop the hand he uses to grab at Mike's shoulder.

"Wait, just wait a minute."

He doesn't want Mike to leave because then there will be consequences and problems more serious than the ones he's already in because these he'll actually have to deal with and….and and and.

He is about thirty seconds away from either having an out of body experience or vomiting everywhere so when Mike tries to shake off Harvey's hand, Harvey hits him. Open-handed and in the chest, so he can't have done much damage but the act was enough.

When Mike hits him in the face, knuckles connecting with his cheek nicely, he barely feels it.

He can't remember Mike leaving and he can't remember kneeling but when his brain finally starts connecting with his body again, the knees of his pants already are thoroughly soaked in mud, urine and who knows what else.

He can't find a reason to care.

Harvey leaves the bathroom and its dark out, his high is long gone and it's raining or snowing or whatever. Who the fucks cares about the weather when the world's ending?

He doesn't go back to the office. He doesn't want to go home. He knows that if he does, he surely find Donna or Jessica waiting for him. Everything feels sluggish and dark and when did his life come to this. His face hurts and his clothes are disgusting enough to warrant being burned and he couldn't care less. He wants another needle. He wants to leave. He wants...

He has no idea what he wants.

Instead, Harvey ends up in a diner until 3:30 in the morning when they kick him out. There's no one waiting for him at his apartment, no voicemails to leave a flashing light on his phone, no texts or emails.

Either everyone knows better than to try or they just don't care. Harvey isn't sure which it is and he ends up breaking every piece of glassware in his kitchen and it's like a disturbed version of he loves me, he loves me not. Only a lot more real.

His slides several needles into his arm, one after the next and breaks all of them too.

He wakes up sometime, not sure of how he even feel asleep and vomits into the toilet, his face pulsating painfully. The sky is a shade of dark blue that means it's almost sunrise and Harvey wonders if he'll be up to see it. He wants to be.

He ends up freezing on his balcony, watching the sun come and wishing. Wishing so desperately that if he falls asleep now, he'll wake up a different person. Someone who isn't addicted to cocaine and doesn't fuck up his job and his life and what could have been a functional friendship—a functional relationship.

He can almost remember when he actually used to like himself.

His phone starts ringing at 9:30 and doesn't stop for hours. He turns it off around noon and barricades himself in bed. Away from the phone, away from the safe, away from the world.

He goes to bed praying he'll wake up someone else.


	9. Chapter 9

When Harvey answers the door to Jessica and Mike hours later, the only thing that he is surprised about is that they waited as long as they did.

He doesn't invite them in, just leaves the door open and heads for the living room. If he's going to have this conversation, he might as well be comfortable.

Thankfully, neither of them mentions the shards of dishes that litter the kitchen floor.

Harvey manages to tune out most of the conversation. His brain is completely checked out. He's well aware that Jessica speaking, maybe even lecturing and he must be responding because she hasn't raised her voice but for the life of him, he has no idea what's going on.

Until Mike barks his name in that tone that means they have a problem that needs to be handled immediately. Harvey can't help but snap back into himself.

"What?"

Jessica is practically fuming and when Harvey glances at Mike, his gaze gets stuck there. The kid looks exhausted. Completely wiped out.

"Harvey. You need to listen," Jessica's speaking but Harvey's still watching Mike.

"I'm listening." He doesn't look at her.

"No. You aren't. And you haven't in quite a while." It's sharp and Harvey can't help but turn to her finally, "No one can help you if your head is still stuck up your ass."

"I don't remember asking for help." He regrets it as soon as he says it.

"Then don't ask for it later." She doesn't need to explain what's later.

Jessica leaves without another comment but Mike doesn't move.

"She doesn't mean it. I mean…she's Jessica so she might mean some of it but…" Mike ends up trailing off when Harvey gets up and leaves the room.

Mike can find the door himself and honestly, Harvey doesn't care whether he leaves or not.

Harvey climbs back in bed, pulling the blankets over his head and marveling that this is actually real. He really did this. He really fucked up _this bad_.

Sometime between sunset and the first crack of dark blue dawn across the sky, Harvey slides a needle into his arm.

It's the last one, he promises himself that it's the last one. His hands stop shaking and he avoids every reflective surface in his apartment. This is the last one. _I swear_.

When Harvey wakes up, Donna is in the kitchen and the broken dishes that had been covering the floor are gone.

He raises an eyebrow, feeling more like himself because of last night than he has in days.

"You cleaned?" He tries to rearrange his face into a smirk and from the expression on Donna's face, he knows it isn't working.

Maybe he's not completely himself yet.

"When have you ever known me to clean?" It's meant as a joke but she doesn't smile.

She makes him eat something she must have picked up on the way over and he sits at the kitchen island, waiting for her speech. Everyone seems to have something to say to him and Harvey knows better than to think Donna will be quiet.

"Harvey," her voice comes soft and it's not at all what he expected.

She ends up dragging him by the hand over to the couch and then curling up next to him so close that she's practically in his lap.

"Jesus, Harvey. What were you thinking?" It's still soft and quiet so he doesn't answer right away.

His hands come up to cover his face and he just…

He has no idea.

"I have no idea."

"I don't know what Jessica's going to do…I'll talk to her later though. See what the options are."

"You don't have to do that Donna." He's never told Donna to do anything, She always just _does_. "I deserve whatever she decides. _I_ did this."

The change in her voice is sudden and Harvey doesn't look up from his hands but he thinks there could be tears in her eyes. "That's the problem. You did this all on your own."

Harvey doesn't answer but he pulls his face out of his hands and wraps one around her shoulders. Donna's always been better than Harvey.

They sit there for maybe half an hour or an hour before there's a knock on the door and they both get up.

"I'm gonna go." He kisses Donna on the cheek and she opens the door to Jessica and Mike before slipping out past them.

Harvey lets them in this time and waits to close the door behind them. They don't make it into the living room before Jessica speaks.

"How do you feel about Europe?"

Harvey raises an eyebrow, "Impartial."

"Good, I'll let you two discuss it then."

She leaves something on the coffee table before letting herself out.

The room is utterly still for a moment before Harvey picks up what she left.

Plane tickets. Two plane tickets.

Harvey puts them back on the table and heads outside onto the terrace. He hears Mike follow him. Mike has been uncharacteristically quiet and Harvey wishes he could cover up the remainder of the black eye he probably still has.

Eventually, Harvey leans over and bumps Mike with his shoulder. The sun is almost down.

"You'll have to pack for me." They both know why.

They stand next to each other until Mike drags two chairs over and nudges Harvey into one.


	10. Chapter 10

**the dawn is fire bright [against the city lights]**

A/N:Just as a heads up, the chapter is no only much shorter than all the previous ones but also written as snippets instead of longer generally continuous pieces.

* * *

Harvey watches Mike pack his suitcase and when Mike finishes, he hides the suitcase.

"Don't tell me what you do with it, just make sure I don't get to pack anything myself."

Mike doesn't have to ask why Harvey can't pack for himself. It's painfully obvious how dangerous it would be.

Donna drives them to the airport herself. It surprises Harvey, but he tries not to show it. He ends up tightly hugging her at the gate and she kisses his cheek.

He feels like a little boy being sent away because of bad behavior. It's true in a sense and Harvey doesn't like the guilty feeling pressing down on him when he meets Donna's eyes.

"Take care of each other and I expect you both back and in working condition soon." She doesn't mention when and Harvey doesn't ask how long they expect him to be gone. Harvey corrects himself. How long the firm expect him and Mike to be gone.

Mike nods at Donna and squeezes her hand.

They get on a midafternoon flight and Harvey stares out the window while they wait to take off. He doesn't mind take off but he's always hated waited on the runway.

Mike is unusually silent and flips through a newspaper restlessly. Harvey sure Mike has plenty of things to say but his restraint is surprising. Admirable even.

After takeoff, Mike drops his right hand onto Harvey's knee and when Harvey leans in to kiss Mike a few minutes later, Mike just tugs on his bottom lip. Harvey can practically feel his grin.

It occurs to Harvey then that he's flying. And in an entirely different way from what he's used to. There's no dirty bathrooms, empty needles or broken glass. There's just Mike and him on a plane.

Maybe leaving his job and his city…Maybe leaving almost everything for a little while is what he needs.

Like everything, there's a few bumps in the road. A week after arriving in London, Mike catches Harvey meeting with a suspicious looking man in a dark bar.

Mike doesn't ask what they were discussing. He just holds his hands out when they get back to the hotel and Harvey gives him everything.

He gets it. He really does. It's just that sometimes understanding isn't enough to curb his cravings.

They have a fight two weeks later and there's yelling and Harvey practically sighs in relief. Mike's quiet optimism has been painfully uncharacteristic. He's always been one to yell and whine as soon as he finds something that isn't quite right.

So they argue and drive each other crazy and they get over it.

Harvey thinks that maybe he can do this.

They spend a week in Greece wandering down narrow streets and holding hands.

They fight sometimes. Mike gets anxious when Harvey goes out for a long time. Harvey comes really close to making some serious mistakes. They both go a little insane sometimes but when Harvey watches Mike get dressed in the morning, brushing his teeth barefoot, he gets it.

He's flying and it's _nothing_ like before.

* * *

A/N: So, I know this probably isn't the slash that everyone might have expected, but I never intended this to be a romantic fic. It was always and most importantly supposed to be focused on Harvey and his life and problems. The relationship he develops with Mike is secondary to his addiction in both his life and the fic. So I apologize if this doesn't end the way you wanted. Also, this isn't the end that I had pictured ever since I began the fic but it's one that I'm decently happy with so unless I get alot of free time in the immediate future, I probably won't be revamping it anytime soon.

I know this is a super happy and fluffy ending but the point isn't that Harvey gets everything together in his life in Europe and then everything is rainbows and unicorns. The point of this ending is that dealing with an addiction, any addition, is a serious and difficult task and that even if everything doesn't turn out perfectly, it can still be better than it was.


End file.
